August 6, 2012
He felt the need to sing to me today. He told me it was a Natalie Cole song, but that most people get the lyrics wrong. They actually go “uncooperative, that’s what you are.” I thought he would stop there. But no, he didn’t. He kept singing. While he was doing the ultrasound, he proceeded to sing about how I’m the most uncooperative patient there is. I know that he was referring to my ovaries and not me as a person, but that didn’t make it any less hurtful. Because, and I know this is a shock, those ovaries happen to be connected to the rest of me!
Not to mention the fact that Natalie Cole will be the first person to tell you that “Unforgettable” is actually one of her father’s songs. Credit goes to Nat King Cole for giving us that gem and to Natalie Cole for making us cry when she sings a duet with the film of her father. I was insulted on so many levels. As a lover of Nat King Cole. As a patient. As a human being.
And you know what we found on the ultrasound? That I’ve already ovulated. Maybe. He’s not sure. That’s what it looks like. (I think he can’t imagine that my body possesses the ability to ovulate, so it must be something else.) Go have a blood test so that we can figure it out.
Have I mentioned that I don’t like needles? Really? I have? Just wanted to make sure you haven’t forgotten. I was livid by the time the nurse drew my blood. My mom could see that I was seething and said some platitude or another (that it was also pretty clear she didn’t believe either). I responded that I thought I had the right to be livid right now. She agreed. I cry when I’m angry, and I tend to cry when I have to get poked, so there was no way I was making it through that blood draw without bawling. The nurse is great. She’s taken my blood before. She knows I hate needles. She tapes that cotton ball down tight to make sure I don’t get a bruise. (Yeah, maybe not from the needle, but I might from the tape!) If I were independently wealthy and could keep a phlebotomist on retainer, she’d be on my short list.
And then we retired to her office where my mother stepped in for me. (I don’t know if I could have gotten the words out. I was still crying.) She explained that I just want to try this first. That I’m okay with failure because at least that means I’ve tried. And it’s not that I’m being uncooperative. It’s that I have to try this first before I can consider something else.
So we missed this month. But the plan is to try again. Same drugs, earlier ultrasound. And on the plus side, one of the side effects of these drugs is nausea. At least I’m losing weight!