Today I Feel…

December 9, 2012

I did clerical temp work in the summer when I was in college. It didn’t really seem like much to me. It was mostly filling in for receptionists who were out sick or on vacation. I also did a lot of data entry. None of the work was very taxing. I had a lot of free time to read or write. At any rate, I must have been pretty good at answering multi-line phones and typing because I was named “Clerical Temp of the Month”. I got a certificate and a bunch of swag with the name of the temp agency on it. (I cut the neck out of the t-shirt and slept in it.) There is one item, though, that I’ve used pretty regularly since then. You know those posters that say “Today I Feel” and have rows and rows of faces showing different emotions? Well, one of the things in the gift bag was a magnet of that poster. Small, so it doesn’t have the variety, but still charming. And it included a little black frame that you can move to the appropriate face.

I had it on the side of the fridge in my first apartment. When one of my tutoring students came, there was a point in every lesson in which she would wind up facing that magnet. And so we made it part of our routine that she would move the little black rectangle to how she was feeling that day. She made me promise not to tell anyone the day that she selected “lovestruck”. (It’s been enough years that if she or anyone who recognizes her from this story, well, I suspect she won’t care anymore.)

But other than that student, it’s pretty much just a reflection of my feelings. And today? Today I feel so many things. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. (Yeah, ask me about making the egg salad today. Oy!) I’m scared.

It’s that last one I have to keep telling myself about. Just about everything else I’m feeling today is being colored by it. My period started on Friday. (Okay, Thursday for those of us who count days in the normal fashion.) That’s two months in a row that it’s started early. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow. And I’m starting on FSH tomorrow, too. And I’m terrified of it. I’m scared of the needles. I’m trying to figure out how to fit it in to my life. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to miss so much work. (Okay, I really have that one sorted. I’m sure Dr Z will give me permission to work on the DD Conference at home so I won’t have to stay late to make up the time, nor will my mom have to come and give me injections at work. I mean, we all know that this isn’t something I’m going to be able to do by myself.) And I’m scared that he’ll see something in tomorrow’s ultrasound that will mean we can’t do the FSH at all this month and I won’t be able to do it next month because I have to go to San Francisco for work, which will inevitably fall at a vital point in my cycle. And I’m scared that we’ll be able to go ahead this month and it won’t work, and I don’t know if I can afford to try for a second or third cycle. Or it will work too well and I’ll wind up with multiples…

And I’m scared. Plain and simple.

Today I feel…

Overwhelmed.

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