January 2, 2013
About a week ago, my mom commented that, in a way, it would be better if today never came. I had my blood test this morning. If I could just keep putting it off, then it would never have the chance to be negative, so there would always be the possibility that it would be positive. I agreed. The not knowing is painful, but the potential is wonderful.
And then, on Sunday, we had our big family Christmas. It was at my parents’ house this year. We thought about having it at my place, but since I wasn’t sure how I’d feel physically, I asked them to host. (Current plan is that I’ll host next year.) The last to leave were my aunt and uncle who are my strongest extended-family supporters and their youngest son, who is a year younger than I am. It was incredibly hard not to tell them about the IUI and that I’d find out if it worked in a few days. My aunt said that she was reading my blog. As far as she was concerned, I was either pregnant, or I wasn’t. I laughed and said that I was like Schrödinger’s cat, existing in two states at once.
I’d initially thought I’d describe it as purgatory. Okay, the first word that came to mind was “limbo”, but it’s not like limbo, where there is no hope of leaving and entering heaven. It’s purgatory, an existence that is in between, neither heaven nor hell. But I think Schrödinger’s cat is a much better analogy. Until we open the box, we cannot know whether or not the cat is alive; until I take the blood test, I cannot know whether I’m pregnant or not. Well, I’ve opened the box. And Schrödinger’s cat? It’s alive.