September 26, 2013
Yesterday was a hard day. Not because anything happened or didn’t happen. (Other than, of course, the things that should have been happening because I should have had a baby to bring home.) I just felt particularly empty yesterday.
Sofia’s memorial service is on Saturday. My mom thinks that the next couple of days will also be hard. I feel very mixed about it. I’m dreading it because there’s a finality to it. It’s one more real thing, and I don’t want any of this to be real. But I also want to get it over with. Like going to the clinic for the first time since Sofia, this will break the ice with seeing friends and family. I haven’t seen people because I haven’t wanted to. The memorial service will get that step done and over with.
But it won’t make the emptiness go away. I wish she were back inside of me where she was safe. This morning my stomach gave a particularly cruel rumble that felt like three little kicks. But it was just my stomach. My arms are empty, my uterus is empty, and there’s a hole in my heart where she once danced. I don’t care that she was kicking me in the ribs and punching me in the sciatic nerve. It was annoying, but I also knew it meant she was okay. She was still moving, breathing. I want to go back to what we were. I want to feel full again.