Empty

September 26, 2013

Yesterday was a hard day. Not because anything happened or didn’t happen. (Other than, of course, the things that should have been happening because I should have had a baby to bring home.) I just felt particularly empty yesterday.

Sofia’s memorial service is on Saturday. My mom thinks that the next couple of days will also be hard. I feel very mixed about it. I’m dreading it because there’s a finality to it. It’s one more real thing, and I don’t want any of this to be real. But I also want to get it over with. Like going to the clinic for the first time since Sofia, this will break the ice with seeing friends and family. I haven’t seen people because I haven’t wanted to. The memorial service will get that step done and over with.

But it won’t make the emptiness go away. I wish she were back inside of me where she was safe. This morning my stomach gave a particularly cruel rumble that felt like three little kicks. But it was just my stomach. My arms are empty, my uterus is empty, and there’s a hole in my heart where she once danced. I don’t care that she was kicking me in the ribs and punching me in the sciatic nerve. It was annoying, but I also knew it meant she was okay. She was still moving, breathing. I want to go back to what we were. I want to feel full again.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Empty

  1. kathryn williams

    When and where sat, Beth? I dont think many of us have eloquent words to ease your pain and emptiness. I am so sorry at the unfairness of this all. You are having a devastating winter of the soul in the midst of Fall, theabunfance of crops and thankful abundance Your dance is on a grey stage with dark leafless trees, rain and

    • kathryn williams

      Like you said emptiness. There is nothing I can do but tell you I care abouy you and yours, would help you if I could, nut I dont know how. I want your journey to be newness of spring, life soft and anew…but you are empty, dealing with the ashed of death and loss. I am so sorry and with love and support, I hope you can find your way. There will be light over time. Love, Kath

    • I’m not posting as I write. Today’s post was actually written on 9/26 (the date below the post title). The memorial was on 9/28.

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