November 7, 2013
I really need to begin this blog post with the end because the end was just so… fitting. And not in the best way. It started to snow. As I was walking from my carport to my apartment. And I did, indeed, say aloud, “Seriously? You couldn’t wait two more minutes?” And that just summed it up.
I’m still angry. And hurt. And so very, very sad. And I spent a lot of today crying. At work. While curled up on the floor of my office. (It was surprisingly comfortable with Sofia’s blanket tucked between my cheek and my arm.) And I know that I have a lot of friends who love me and are available when I need them and when I’m ready. But I am still angry. And hurt. And so very, very sad.
- The bathroom is still too damned far away.
- Each time someone asks what I’m doing for “self-care”, they suggest that I get a massage. This seems like an odd suggestion. Massages are incredibly intimate. I have known my massage therapist my entire life. And I don’t think I can stand to be touched for that long yet. Trust me. I will be getting massages when I can stand to be touched again. But you’d think they’d suggest something less intimate. Like, you know, taking a walk.
- Along the same line as #2, these same people are always surprised to hear that I’m a writer. Like really surprised. Like they never would have considered that I was a writer if I hadn’t told them.
- To all of the people who say Facebook is bad for your mental health, I want to ask, “Who the hell are your friends?” ‘Cause my friends are pretty awesome. I was feeling angry and hurt and so very, very sad, so I posted that I was having a rough day. And I did because I knew my friends would say things to help me feel a little less angry and a little less hurt and perhaps only very sad. Those people who say Facebook is bad for your mental health just need better friends.
- And related to #4, I love that the things my friends said to help me feel better were so… them. A friend who’s a runner suggested I go for a walk because the air is wonderfully crisp and fresh today. A friend who’s a homebody suggested curling up with a movie and comfort food. A friend who’s been holding my hand through it all asked if I wanted to get lunch and talk.
- Having a friend who’s been there before is incredibly useful. She allowed me to bluntly tell Borgess that it didn’t matter what they said, I would still feel guilty. She’s someone I can email in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep because I’m so angry and hurt and so very, very sad. And I love that she believes in better living through chemistry when necessary. (Current recommendation is Xanax. If I can’t sleep again tonight, I think I’ll try a few Calms Forte. They’ve worked for me in the past. If they don’t work, then I’ll consider the harder drugs.)
- A bit of normalcy has returned: my period started today. This does make me happy. This is probably the happiest I’ve ever been for my period to start. The friend in #6 said she felt the same. It’s normal. It means my body still works. It means my body is moving forward, so the rest of me should be able to follow.
- And the bathroom really is way too far away from my office.