October 31, 2013
Last night, the Civic hosted a masquerade. It was a wine tasting fundraiser. My parents and I volunteered. In case you’re wondering, I can now BS my way through four chardonnays. And, for the most part, it was a lovely evening. A lot of friends. Who already knew what had happened. Kind of like knitting group, it was a safe environment. Plus I was pouring on the stage, and there’s just something about being in that physical space that feels good. Maybe because I’ve been performing there since I was eight. It’s home.
However, while I was up on the stage, BS-ing my way as I poured my four different chardonnays, my phone was locked up in the old costume shop. And ringing. When the event was over, I had two missed calls. One from Borgess. And one from a number in Galesburg. Both had left messages.
Sofia’s autopsy results are in. The Chief Compliance Officer (or whatever his official title is) was calling to schedule a meeting to go over my case. The second message was from Lori. She hadn’t wanted him to call me in the first place. She thought she should be the one to call. After all, she knows me. And I know her.
And I have to wait. Until Wednesday after work. I don’t want to. I don’t want to wait until next Wednesday. I don’t want next Wednesday to ever come. I don’t want to know the results. I don’t want to not know the results. If someone made a mistake, I don’t want to know. But I can’t have it both ways. I can’t say “Don’t tell me anything unless there was nothing anyone could have done” because then I’ll know that someone made a mistake if they don’t tell me anything. And if someone did make a mistake… I pushed for so long. And I felt like I should have said something. Like I should have told them it was taking too long. But they kept telling me everything was fine, and I trusted them. And I just want that to be validated. I want to know that everything was fine. That it had nothing to do with how long it took. Because otherwise…
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well last night. Needless to say, I did nothing at work today. Except for cry. I cried a lot at work today. I cried as much as I cried on Friday last week. I curled up on the floor of my office and cried.
Fortunately, it’s Halloween. Taking a page from the Topping Off Ceremony, I decided to go as a famous person in disguise. I wore my baseball cap, sunglasses, sneakers, and a hoodie. I kept my office door closed. It’s been dreary today. It was too dark in my office to leave my sunglasses on. But each time I went to the bathroom or to refill my mug, I put my sunglasses on. I know I have to be productive tomorrow. Work is starting to pile up. I have to take care of at least some of it. It’s just so hard to focus when your heart stings and aches. And tomorrow I won’t be able to hide behind a costume.