November 3, 2013
Today is the first day I’ve been alone at home since Sofia died. Yesterday doesn’t count. I went out in the middle of the day. Today has consisted of little more than a brief jaunt to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes. During which time I was alone.
I opened the door to Sofia’s room yesterday. I stood in the doorway, on the threshold, in that liminal space. Today I walked inside. And I sat down in the rocking chair. And I looked at the empty crib. The empty bouncer. The decals my dad and I had used to decorate the walls. And it hurts so much. I miss her so much. I just want to hold her again, to smell her again. I’ve already forgotten her scent, that new baby smell.
And I know that I could have avoided these emotions. I could have taken my laptop to my parents’ house. But I have to go to work tomorrow. I just want to be home. I want to not have to put on real clothes, to stay in my pajamas all day if I choose. My mom said that it was hard to let me go this morning, but this is a step that we need to take. I need to be in my own space. I need to regain my balance.
I just wish my heart didn’t ache so much.