Home Alone

November 3, 2013

Today is the first day I’ve been alone at home since Sofia died. Yesterday doesn’t count. I went out in the middle of the day. Today has consisted of little more than a brief jaunt to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes. During which time I was alone.

I opened the door to Sofia’s room yesterday. I stood in the doorway, on the threshold, in that liminal space. Today I walked inside. And I sat down in the rocking chair. And I looked at the empty crib. The empty bouncer. The decals my dad and I had used to decorate the walls. And it hurts so much. I miss her so much. I just want to hold her again, to smell her again. I’ve already forgotten her scent, that new baby smell.

And I know that I could have avoided these emotions. I could have taken my laptop to my parents’ house. But I have to go to work tomorrow. I just want to be home. I want to not have to put on real clothes, to stay in my pajamas all day if I choose. My mom said that it was hard to let me go this morning, but this is a step that we need to take. I need to be in my own space. I need to regain my balance.

I just wish my heart didn’t ache so much.


1 Comment

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One response to “Home Alone

  1. Nonna Sue

    Each step you have taken has been as needed. None have been easy. Letting you go has been hard. We just keep moving forward, which is all we can do.

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