The Unanswered Question

November 6, 2013

The meeting was today. Finally. And they were very… compassionate. And we discussed the “what”.

The full autopsy report wasn’t in yet. But the preliminary report was. The placenta was small, first percentile. But Sofia was small, too. Not first percentile small, but still small. There was some hypercoiling in the umbilical cord. Why wasn’t any of this noted in any of my multiple ultrasounds?

And the meeting didn’t help. I don’t feel better. I don’t feel as though doing anything different would have resulted in a different outcome. Quite the opposite. I am angry. I am… so very, very angry.

I told them that I felt like I needed help when I was pushing. They asked what sort of help. What sort of help? You know, the helping kind of help. I don’t know what sort of help. I needed help. I knew it was taking too long. But I trusted them. So I didn’t say anything. At least not after the first hour. Or rather, I did say something after the first hour, and I was told that everything was fine, that pushing for an hour was normal. So I trusted them. For a second hour. And a third. And a fourth. And a fifth. Why didn’t someone say that they were concerned? Why didn’t anyone else say they felt like it had been too long?

Because, you know what, if the placenta being small and the hypercoiling in the umbilical cord both mean that Sofia might not have had the best circulation during the stress of labor, then doing something to help me deliver her faster would have helped. And I know. We’ll never know if that’s really true.

But what I wanted to hear was that there was nothing anyone could have done. And that’s not true. Sofia was perfect. She should be here with me now. But she’s not.

And for all of the “what” that they were able to give, that’s not the question I want answered.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “The Unanswered Question

  1. Nonna Sue

    There are no answers and never will be. Learning to live with what we don’t know is a journey of great magnitude. We keep moving forward and will always feel the loss. We are changed.

    • Nonna Sue

      A final comment on that meeting. It was to help provide closure. That was certainly not the case for any of us. The only closure that came might have been for the hospital and staff. Certainly set us back.

  2. Maria

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine the added pain of feeling that you weren’t given the information and opportunity to make a choice that might have had a chance of helping Sofia.

    I love you and even though I’m far, you know I’m here if you need anything at all. Even if it’s being pissed off.

  3. Rhy

    I hope that this comment is not perceived to be presumptuous. Obviously, I don’t know all the details of your situation. However, it wasn’t your job to tell them you needed help. It was their job to identify the reality that your daughter’s birth had deviated from normal and that a prolonged second stage indicated a problem. You and Sofia had the right to expect that the experts you choose to care for you would do more than stand by and watch you struggle. Getting a consult from an OB, using the vacuum, or doing a c-section might not have changed the outcome. Yet it seems that if those things had been offered, you might have some small consolation that at least everything that could be done had been done in order to save your beautiful daughter. I am just so incredibly sorry that you and your entire family are experiencing such heartbreak.

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