Cycles

December 18, 2013

Today has been not so great.  I’m trying to decide how much is cyclical.  Last night’s insomnia I’m sure hasn’t helped me today.  (And I know that was related to where I am in my cycle.)  I just couldn’t focus today.  I had one small (ish) goal:  To get the department’s holiday cards addressed and in the mail.  I got one sheet of labels printed.  Yep…

I just didn’t want to today.  Fill in the blank.  I didn’t want to go to work.  I didn’t want to pack a lunch.  But I didn’t want to order in.  So I packed a lunch.  Not that I wanted to eat what I packed.  (But I did.  Mainly because there were no leftovers in our kitchen following any lunch meetings that might have been had.)  I didn’t want to deal with email.  I didn’t want to deal with voice mail.  I just didn’t want to do anything, except maybe curl up on the floor, and I didn’t particularly want to do that either.  I feel like crying, but I don’t really want to do that.

For whatever reason, I’m just sad today.  Grief.  Exhaustion.  Menstrual cycle. (I was sad the same day of my last cycle.  Yes, I do have that recorded.)  Any combination thereof.  Something I haven’t even thought of.  And I know that’s okay.  I don’t have to feel anything particular.  I know I can feel happy or sad.  I know that it’s all right to cry.  Crying gets the sad out of you, right?  Isn’t that what Free to Be You and Me taught us as kids?  It’s just one of those days where there’s just so much sad that I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop once I start.  (Okay, who am I kidding?  I have started.)

I know this is just today.  Tomorrow I can focus on the cards.  Get them done.  Take a break to go to Julie’s concert at lunchtime.  It will all be okay.  For now?  Well, I suppose there is one thing I want to do.  I just want to curl up on the sofa and watch Doctor Who.  I finished all of the Amazing Race episodes Hulu had to offer, so now I’m rewatching Doctor Who.  Christopher Eccelston, my first Doctor.  I swear I sat next to his doppelgänger on an airplane once.  Sneaked a peak at his landing card.  Neither a capital C nor a capital E to be seen.  Whoever he was, he was charming.  But my mom will be over soon, and we’ll go snowshoeing again.  And then we’ll have dinner.  And then I can curl up on the sofa with Doctor Who.  Like I said.  It will all be okay.

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