January 2, 2014
I feel sick. There’s a pit in my stomach that’s filled with the lump that was in my throat. But I’m not sick. But I know why I feel this way. There are a couple of reasons.
Reason #1: A year ago today, I had a blood test. A year ago today, Carla called me with the good news. A year ago today, I was pregnant. And even though I tried to remain circumspect (I could still have a miscarriage, right?), I was excited for what the future held. A year ago today, I knew that come September I was going to have my baby to hold in my arms. But today I’m not pregnant. Most definitely. Not only have I not been talking to any angels, I have my period. But I so wish that I were pregnant. I want to try 2013 again, only with the knowledge I have now so that maybe, just maybe, there would be a different outcome.
Reason #2: Multiple friends have recently announced that they’re pregnant. I want to be happy for them. I do. I really do. I want everything to go well for them. But I’m scared. And I’m jealous. Mostly I’m jealous. And I hate feeling that way. I don’t want to be jealous. They haven’t done anything. So I’m angry at myself for feeling jealous when I shouldn’t, when it’s not fair to my friends for me to feel like they’re each having the baby I was supposed to have.
So I’m sad. And I’m scared. And I’m jealous. And I’m angry. And I’m sorry if I’ve hurt any of my friends because I’m sad and scared and jealous and angry. I know you know where my feelings are coming from, but that doesn’t make it right if I’ve said anything that hurt you. Or if you feel like I’ve ignored you. Or if I’ve started blocking you from my Facebook feed. Sometimes it just hurts so much to see other people being happy in the way I thought I would be today. I want you to be okay. I want your baby to be okay. I sincerely do. I just can’t always read about how you are okay when I’m not.
Really, most days are okay. I swear. Today, though… Today has been kind of a rough one.