Melt Down

February 5, 2014

Before I begin, I was just thinking… Did we talk about meltdowns before the advent of nuclear technology? I know. I could look that up. Don’t feel like it right now. Maybe I’ll have an answer for you tomorrow.

Today was… Overwhelming. Unproductive. Too much. I don’t know.

I spent a lot of today staring. There’s so much work to be done. And everyone needs their thing done now. And I really need the higher ups to do what they promised and let us bloody hire a second coordinator because I can’t do it all anymore. Something is going to get missed. And it will be something important. And it will be because I didn’t do it. I don’t even know where to start.

And I’m so tired. I slept maybe four hours two nights ago. I slept better last night, but still not great.

But my new TV finally arrived at Meijer’s. And my vitamins had been refilled. Plus I needed some groceries. And it went swimmingly. I didn’t even spend that much time at the store. When I went to text my mom that I was heading home, it was only 4. We would have time to snowshoe before dinner. I even got the car washed.

Got home. Put the groceries away. Started to unpack the TV. My mom got there. And then I realized I’d never taken my vitamins out of the shopping bags. But they weren’t in any of the shopping bags.

And that was it. That was the one thing too many. I couldn’t go on. I lost it. I curled up on the sofa and cried.

My mom called Meijer’s. Sure enough, I’d left the prescription in my cart. They were holding it at the pharmacy for me. (Oh, and yes, they charged me twice for my TV, too. Don’t get me started on that.)

You see, this is why I’ve not been sleeping well. I keep reading other people’s stories. Women who’ve suffered a stillbirth. And that’s not what happened to me. Sofia wasn’t stillborn. She wasn’t dead when I got to the hospital. She was still very much alive. My baby died in the process of childbirth. And that’s what my brain keeps dwelling on. All those other stories? They don’t compare to what happened to me. It’s a completely different experience.

So I’m angry. And I’m sad. And I’m exhausted.

It’s been a while since I spent hours crying. I guess it was about time that it happened again.


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