February 18, 2014
I spent much of today thinking that it was Wednesday. I think this is because two days ago I woke up at 4:30 and panicked because I’d not turned on my alarm, which meant I was going to oversleep and be late for work. And then I realized it was Sunday. Which makes yesterday Monday. And today Tuesday. But I still felt like it was Wednesday.
The good news is that the weather has turned. It’s warm enough that the snow is melting off the streets and I can almost get all of the snow out of the wheel-wells of my car. And it’s sunny and one doesn’t need 17 layers of clothing in order to go outside. But I still feel melancholy.
I’m sure part of it is that I’m completely overwhelmed at work. (Although that is getting better. Just not fast enough to be really making progress. It’s more of an ability to put out the fires instead of having to decide which will cause the least damage if ignored.)
But a big part today is that one of my many pregnant friends posted the ultrasound picture and announcement that she’s having a girl. Yes, I’ve blocked these specific posts from my Facebook feed. And I do want to be happy for her. After all, she’s done nothing wrong. But, honestly, I’m not. At least not right now. Right now, I’m sad. And jealous. And I’m tired of waiting. I want to be pregnant again. I want my baby. And so I become a Shakespearean villain. I’m not happy for people who have what I can’t have. And I hate myself for begrudging my friend’s happiness.
I know these feelings will pass. I know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. But, frankly, to use the technical term, it still sucks.