Wanting

February 19, 2014

I’m having trouble prioritizing right now. At work, I mean. I still struggle to do more than just stare at my to-do list. And I know which things should be dealt with first. But I keep pushing those tasks aside. It’s not even that they’re the most difficult things on my list, these most important tasks. I just don’t feel like doing them. So I don’t. I stare. For a while. And then I’ll tackle something else on the list. And then stare some more. And I read those most important tasks. But by then the day is almost over, and it’s too late to get involved in something new.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If there’s a hard deadline, I deal with it. I force myself to take care of those things that really and truly must be done immediately.

And I do like my job. Most of the time. But I’m… dissatisfied right now. And I’m not completely sure why. I don’t know what it is that I want.

Is it the grief? Is it that I’m ready to start trying to get pregnant again? Is it that I have to wait three more weeks before I see the midwife and we even talk about how it might work this time?

Or is it really and truly just work that leaves me wanting? Is it the waiting for this new job description? Wanting to know what my responsibilities are evolving into?

I just feel stuck right now. I’ve hit a new liminal space. I’m neither here nor there. And this hero is ready for her journey to proceed.

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