Monthly Archives: December 2015

Unexpected Triggers

Warning!  Spoilers ahead.  Seriously.  If you haven’t seen the latest Star Wars, and you don’t want to know what happens, you should stop reading now.  Save this post for later, after you’ve seen it.

Work closed at noon today.  But daycare was open all day.  (Or is open, I should say.  Anna is there; I’m at home.  Yes, I took a nap.)  I really wanted to see the Star Wars: The Force Awakens.  I really wasn’t sure how to work it into my schedule until I remembered that I had childcare already paid for today.  But since I really did want to take a nap, and I knew the movie is long…  Yep, I took the morning off, and my parents and I went to see it.

My dad started crying at the opening sequence.  You know, the standard Star Wars crawl.  Afterwards, he said that there was just something about it that made him think about Sofia.  He was as surprised as anyone.  (Honestly, I was almost crying before it started, but that was due to the trailer for the new Michael Moore film, which looks pretty powerful.)

That’s not to say that I didn’t cry, too.  Remember how I mentioned spoilers?  I’m about to spoil the movie.  Stop reading now if you don’t want to know about the climax.

I didn’t cry at the technical climactic moment.  Any fan of the original trilogy can see where it’s going.  Kylo Ren and Han Solo standing on the bridge.  A father and son.  It’s not going to be pretty.  But it was timed well enough, that even though I was sitting there thinking, “Han is going to die.  He’s going to die.  He’s going to die”, I still gasped when it finally happened.  (I warned you!)

No.  That’s not when I cried.  I cried when Rey and Finn and Chewie got back to the base.  When Rey and Leia looked at each other and said nothing.  Because, of course, there really was nothing to say.  Leia already knew Han was gone.  And then they hug each other.  And it’s hard to say who is comforting who.  Who is grieving more, the woman who lost the man she’s known for years or the one who only just met him?

But that, of course, is not the end.  This is merely the hero’s call*.  It’s just the beginning.  And I’m looking forward to what comes next.

*Why, yes, we did watch The Power of Myth as part of my mythology class in college.  Why do you ask?


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I really don’t know where the time has gone.  Anna is now ten months old.  Christmas was two days ago, which, of course, means it’s almost New Year’s Day.

Last night I was thinking about my “Today I Feel” magnet.  How I was looking at it the other day and thinking that I should move it to “exhausted”, but I could remember if I’d actually done that.  And I was too tired to get up and look.

I’d say that I could use a vacation, but I don’t think that would make a difference.  Anna is at the age where, much as I love her, she takes it out of me.  It’s not so much that she wants me to play with her but that she wants to play with me.  So if I get out my knitting, she wants to help.  If I pick up my book, she wants to read it, too.  Or at least eat my bookmark.  Which is a Post-it, so eating it is not an option.  (She’s taking a nap right now; otherwise, she’d be trying to help me type.)  If I just sit, then it’s not a problem.  But as soon as I get out one of my own toys, then she loses all interest in her own.  I love her, but it’s exhausting.

And that is where the time goes, I suppose.  Trying to get things done in the brief moments during which she naps or the few hours between her bedtime and my own.  It’s a stage.  It will pass.  But in the meanwhile, I’m exhausted.

P.S.  When I got the yogurt out of the fridge this morning, I checked the magnet.  Yes, I had moved it to “exhausted”.

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A Most Happy Christmas

I was pretty good about writing “what’s making me happy this week” posts.  Then Anna started day care, and life got crazy.  I would still have things happen that made me think, “I should mention this!”  But I was busy and didn’t get it written down.  And, obviously, I didn’t write a blog post about it either.

But there is something this week that made me so happy that I still get a little teary thinking about it.  I have a friend who adopted a little girl from Korea two years ago.  Earlier this year she told me they were in the process of adopting a little boy; fingers crossed, he would be coming home before the year was out.  A couple of days ago, she posted pictures from Korea.  He’ll be home for Christmas.

Now if that isn’t something to make you happy, then I don’t know what is.*

*Okay…  maybe I can think of one thing… Bad Lip Reading did videos for each of the original Star Wars movies.  Come to think of it, they made me cry, too.

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Here Comes Santa Claus

Facebook doesn’t seem to get that I don’t really want to see memories from the year Sofia died.  I didn’t want to see the pictures of when I was pregnant, and I don’t particularly want to see the blog posts that I shared.  But there is one thing that I’ve noticed.  Those blog posts were all about firsts.  The first this after her death, the first that.  And I’m still writing about firsts, but not my firsts, or at least not only my firsts.

We went to see Santa today.  I’m a little sad that the Real Santa of my childhood is no longer with us.  He was an excellent Santa, from the department store where my dad worked at the time.  We saw him every year.  And even though we knew that one could go see Santa at other places, we knew that the one we went to, the one at Gilmore’s, was the Real One.

And I know that it’s silly.  I mean she’s only nine months old.  It’s not like she’s going to remember this.  But I really wanted Anna to meet Santa this first Christmas.  And I really wanted her to have a Santa like mine.  But Gilmore’s is no more, and my dad tells me my Santa is equally no more.  I was hoping she could meet a friend in his Santa alter-ego, but his schedule was not amenable to hers.  So we went out to the mall.  And it was okay.  I have a feeling whoever is Anna’s Real Santa will only ever be okay to me.  After all, he won’t be my Santa.

But the spirit is kept alive, and that’s what really matters.  As the editor of The New York Sun told Virginia, that’s the true existence of Santa Claus.

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Home Sick

Where do I begin?  I can’t even remember the last time I wrote a blog post.  Life has been keeping me busy.  Take Anna to daycare.  Go to work.  Pick Anna up from daycare.  Go home.  Have dinner.  Play.  Snuggle.  Go to bed.  Repeat the next day.  Laundry on the weekend.  Grocery shopping after work.  And suddenly it was Thanksgiving.

And then I got sick.  Really sick.  I couldn’t sit up for long without throwing up.  I even had to put Anna down in the middle of a bedtime bottle so that I could go throw up.  And it didn’t get better.  I was miserable on Saturday.  And Sunday.  And when I threw up after giving Anna her bottle Monday morning, I knew I needed to see the doctor.

No clue exactly what it was.  It was probably something viral.  I got an IV drip of fluids and vitamins  and started to feel better Tuesday morning.  Anna spent Monday and tuesday nights at my parents’ house.

If you’re thinking about being a single choice mom, look around you.  How is your support system?  Who will help you out when you’re too sick to take care of your kid?  I don’t know how I would have survived without my parents (especially my mom).  I know that I have plenty of friends would have brought me soup and tea.  And they would have helped out with Anna.  Make sure you have someone you’re comfortable with watching your baby overnight.  You just might need them.

Oh, there’s this, too.

She’s still not sure about this FaceTime thing, although it does mean she can play with the iPad.  But at least I got to see her!

I’m much better now.  I’ll pick Anna up from daycare today.  And tomorrow I’ll go back to work.  I definitely needed the rest and the respite, but I miss my little girl!

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